i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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