In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize