Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
