It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
