Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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