I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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