I accidentally had phone sex last night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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