I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
