life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
