Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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