but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
