Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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