Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
