Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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