Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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