Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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