I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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