I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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