It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
