you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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