Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
