i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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