I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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