Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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