You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
