dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
