I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize