Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
