I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
