I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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