I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
