I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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