I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
