my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
