How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
