I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Randomize
