Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
