I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
