I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize