my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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