so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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