She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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