White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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