hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
