the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
