i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
