Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fuck appropriateness.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
