one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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