Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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