I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
