I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
