dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just cropdusted the office
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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