She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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