And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
