i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
