They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
do nipples grow back?
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