Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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