and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
