Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
